Tuesday, August 27, 2013

So Many Parties (so little fun)

Election Time Down Under
We are being feted by well oiled political machinations and their laser like focus on what really turns us on at the Ballot Box.
And how we are spoilt for choice in the Senate, a supposedly purposeful and august hangout for movers and shakers who will decide what's in our best interests.
And to reinforce the illusion of choice we get to complete a ballot paper that is just over 1 meter long (39 inches)! Welcome to 21st century, not.

Here are some of the fringe sects vying for control of the country and my best guess at what constitutes their manifesto's:

One Nation
(southern cross tattoo sporting xenophobic white folk who's ancestors arrived on boats and therefore  don't know that black folk were here first?)
Shooters Rights
(assassins of highway signs, especially the ones that have silouhettes of kangaroos - rumoured to be a sub-branch of the NRA?)
Australian Motoring Enthusiasts
(fast, sleek and simple - ban slow ugly cars?)

Animal Justice
(harnessing nano-science and DNA cloning to bring road kill back to life to reclaim their sovereignty?)
Help End Marijuana Prohibition
(crusading hippies promoting free organic gardening classes, mood swings, de-motivation and schizophrenia )
Katter's Australian Party
(crusading blokes with big hats promoting elocution classes for slow talking mumblers, like myself?)
Democratic Labour Party
(like unlike the undemocratic one?)
Australian Republicans
(like unlike their US brethren?)
Australian Christians
(promoting an end the segregation of my Church and your State?)
Australian Independents
(skate crew rumoured to be funded by the Independent Truck company, who wish to remove those annoying metal bump things preventing a good skate grind in public places?)
Australian Fishing and Lifestyle Party
(a bunch of blokes who can't fit a shed in their town houses who'll finally resolve the diurnal question once and for all - "is fishing a lifestyle?"?)
Australian Voice
(some sort of singing crew specialising in three part harmony, RnB, hip hop, blues country fusion as a means of uniting the country?)

Australia First
(sharing their love of flags with Union Jacks on them - think coins, stamps, billboards, Aussie flags on every car will be mandatory?)
Australian Protectionist Party
(sharing their love of Aussie machinery?)
Family First
(all singles and orphans will be deported?)
Smokers' Rights
(free lung transplants - rumoured to be aligned with the HEMP crew?)
Secular Party of Australia
(tax all cults and churches to the max and promote any theory of evolution except the Garden of Eden?)
Pirate Party
(probably the most party like party - where thinking hipsters hang when not shopping for cool?)

The Greens
(more grass, green veges, no meat - rumoured to be aligned with the HEMP crew, too?)
Stop The Greens
(MEAT, more meat, more palm oil, more trans-fats, more ugly mine effluent, more Fukushima's - rumoured to be a front for the International Nihilists?)
Stop CSG
(bunch of farmers who think Coal Seam Gas is fracked - bad gas asses?)
Palmer United Party
(no alignment with Mrs Palmer or the sex party - more Titanic than titan?)
Sex Party
(as the Surf Industry knows so well, sex still sells - rumoured to be aligned with Family First in a bid to rid the country of non-reproducing singles?)

ohhhh there's so many more non-partying political parties, but I've lost the urge to analyse. I'm afraid I've failed my civic duty. . . Let's face it, what the election really boils down to is:

Australian Labor Party versus Liberal National Party of Queensland

(a bunch of conservatives pretending to be in touch with the working poor, while denying that they are puppets of Big International Corporations versus a bunch of conservatives with old money and plus old skool ties to Big International Corporations?)

You decide.

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